and so, we wait.

you know, i always have wondered whether its more difficult to stand by and watch someone go through something, or actually go through that thing yourself. i think the answer can be different for everyone; while some people might be strong and able to experience great trials in their lives, others may be better at being there for those that go through trials and offering support. i may never know. last friday, my baby sister (literally a baby, just turned 18) was diagnosed with a Phyllodes tumor in her right breast.

it is a rare and aggressive tumor that could result in breast cancer and/or spread to her lungs, heart etc. while my sister has always been one of the strongest people i know, she has handled this situation very well and taken everything in stride. i have not once seen her act the victim in this or as "why me?" she has simply absorbed everything that is going on and moved forward.
now, having the walnut sized tumor removed is inevitable for her and could happen as soon as this weekend, but tomorrow is, in my opinion, the hardest part: the biopsy. tomorrow she will learn whether her tumor is malignant or benign and how much tissue is actually going to be removed during her lumpectomy. - you know in the 20's and 30's when the newspapers were coming up on a big story and they'd print two head lines so they'd be ready to sell the story immediately no matter what the out come was? the young newsies would sitting outside with their stacks of papes, waiting to hear the news on which head line to sell and hope they had bought enough of that particular headline.

that's what i feel like tomorrow will be like for my family. we'll be those hopeful newsies, waiting for the headline. benign or malignant?
no matter what the headline is for tomorrow though, i know we'll get through it because we have not only each other but so many wonderful friends and family members praying for us and wishing peace and comfort our way. and in addition to all of that, we have a merciful Father in Heaven who has a plan for my sister and my family and i know that no matter what's going to happen tomorrow and in the future, He'll give us the strength we need to bear the burden he has asked us to bear. we are not alone in this. i know that to be true.

here's hoping for a positive outcome tomorrow! and cc, i love you, baby! no matter what happens, you got this.

♥ ♥

to read more about my sister and her outlook on life as she goes through this and other life experiences, check out her blog The Freedom Blog. tell her i sent you.

typography friday {2} & some thoughts to go along with it.

{via}

while i was scouring the world wide web for some typography to share today, i came across this and immediately thought, 'yeah! what is stopping me?'
+ what is stopping me from loosing weight?
+ what is stopping me from writing the books i want to write? or even just reading the books i want to read?
+ what is stopping me from having the type of income that i want?
+ what is stopping me from doing anything and everything that i want to do whether its big or small?
oddly enough, all of those questions have the same answer: me. really, the only way that i'm going to be successful and the type of person that i want to be is by getting out of my own way and letting myself live.

you know, today is friday. typically i would be clocking in at 8, taking my lunch at 1 and clocking out at 5. but not today. today is for me. finally. last week i had a melt down (as i typically do once every two weeks or so) because my level of stress and unhappiness had reached a ridiculous high. while i sat in my room and bawled and bawled my mom told me i needed to slow down. my response? "i don't have time to slow down." and its true. i don't. my life is so jam packed with this' and thats' and what nots' but all week i thought and thought and thought about what my mom had said and i came to the conclusion that i may not have time to slow down but its because i'm not making time for it. (clap your hands if you love run-on sentences!)
so, that's what today is for: getting out of my own way. today i'm not going to worry about life and what needs to be done. i'm only going to do what i want to do.
i challenge you to do the same. what's stopping you from doing something that you've been wanting to do? whatever it is that's been stopping you, temporarily put it on the back burner and MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF.
+ call that person you've been meaning to check in on
+ eat that chocolate chip pan cake you've been craving
+ see that movie you've been wanting to see
+ tell that special someone that you love them
+ take that walk you've been wanting to go on
do yourself a favor, get out of your own way even if its for just a second to have some fun. we all need some fun out of life, right?
right.

♥ ♥

my blogger deficiency and more...

i've been on blogger a lot less lately.
its not that i haven't wanted to blog (or read everyone else's blogs). its just that i have not had the time to sit down and waste away in front of le blog like i usually do.
i've been so busy and life has gotten weird and fun and wonderful and you'd think that i'd have more to blog about because of this and technically i do, but since gaining a more weird, fun and wonderful life i've traded my time for it. (how was that for the longest sentence ever?)

so now, here i sit with so much on my mind but unable to put my thoughts into words. thus has been my life the past, oh i don't know, month.
its whatever.

let me see if i can explain:
so, my life has gotten weird in a sense that i'm actually making friends here (in TX). i'm actually enjoying myself here and beginning to think of this place as "home". that's weird for me considering the nomad that i am and the closed off, disconnected nature i've grown accustomed to. don't get me wrong. i like it. but its been a stretch for me to let people in and let them see the me that my close friends and family have known for years. and its scary for me; knowing that any given day i could pick up my life again and move and never see these people again, but... i love the people i'm becoming friends with. they are awesome and incredible and sweet and intriginging. and i love Texas (maybe not the sports teams, but...).

life is fun because i'm becoming more involved in everything. and by everything i mean work and church. i just got what would be considered a "promotion" at my job (yeah, its not as awesome as it sounds. no raise came with this promotion, but i'm working on that!) which is allowing me to feel like i can help my co-workers more than i could before. that, for me, is excellent. i might actually feel productive again in my work place. and i'm becoming friends with my co-workers. i feel respected and i respect them in return. its a feeling i haven't had for a long time. and as for church there is always so much going on, i'm just finally involving myself in all of it. i feel busy. and when i'm busy i feel productive. and when i'm productive i feel happy. in addition to that the people that i attend church with are so uplifting and wonderful to be around. i like them and the people they are.

and life is wonderful because God and Jesus Christ live. and they know me and they love me. i know they do whith all my heart. i may not have very much direction in my life right now (i'm 25, not married, i have no career and i am still just kind of ho humming around) but when i think of myself concerning my religion, everything feels right and in place. i feel like i have direction and guidance and that everyting is going to work out. that is an amazing feeling.

isn't life just so crazy beautiful?
i kind of think so.

another vacay post - BABIES & movies & books oh my! {pt. 2}

90% of my friends in utah are married and have children. this equals lots of oodeling time for me when i'm there! i got to see some of my favorite kiddos (and some of my favorite mommies!) while in utah, and i thoroughly appreciated that.

le sigh.

babies.

i love 'em.

since before heading to utah (long before!), i had been really wanting to see i am number four. i'm sort of crushing on alex pettyfer and i had read the book over the summer, so i wanted to see if they did it justice.

um, yes.

they did.

i LOVED it. absolutely.

and it was probably better because i saw it in utah...

(okay, maybe not but we can pretend!)

annnnd i bought a couple of books while i was there as well.

beyonders: a world without heroes by brandon mull (which i haven't finished yet because... i've been super caught up in the mortal instruments series!)

and matched by ally condie (which my sis and i read on our drive back to texas. i'll review it soon, but *spoiler alert* i'd recommend it.)

one of the most fun parts though, was going to barnes and noble with my brother and cousins and drinking chai teas and reading.

that has got to be one of my most favorite things to do.

i feel so... chill when i do that.

anyway

that's it for now.

i'm sure you're just dying to know more about what i did a few weeks ago.

but for now, i should sleep.

cause i'm tired.

sometimes rant. {2}

sometimes i have to sneeze. . .

. . .and then i do, but not fully and so i still don't feel better.

i hate that.

sometimes i think about how funny the human race is. . .

{via}

. . .with their "phone voices" and need for things like caffeine and spiffy electronics.

sometimes i wonder what it'd be like to be a different race. . .

{via}

. . .i think it'd be interesting to step into someone else's shoes for a day

sometimes i get uncomfortable when people don't like to be touched. . .

{via}

. . .but then i remember they probably get uncomfortable that i have an un-harnessable need to touch people.

sometimes i think that if only people knew my best friends. . .

{via, myself}

. . .they'd understand me better.

sometimes i think about being a published author. . .

{via}

. . .and i wonder if anyone would buy my book or come to my signings.

sometimes i ponder my children. what they will be named, what they will look like, what type of personalities they will have. . . 

{via, myself}

. . .and then i get excited about being a mother.

sometimes life gets prioritized over peeing. . .

{via}

. . .and then a few hours later i'll remember i have to go.

sometimes i think about everything and nothing. . .

{via}

. . .all at once.

just a few thoughts from this head of mine.

what do you do when the colors of the world seem duller than they did the day before? when you hate your bangs, your hair is not shiny, your pants size keeps going up and your bank account keeps shrinking. when the only word you can properly understand is "chaos" and you wake up each morning knowing that all your friends live far away. what do you do when you don't feel happy. but you don't feel sad. but you at least want to feel one of these things so that you could feel. what do you do when need trumps want time after time after time and you start wondering whether you are actually a human or just an ant, working day in and day out not for yourself, but for the queen ant who will eat you if you don't do what she says? what do you do when you want to sleep, but you want to read, but you want to eat, but you don't want to eat, or read, or sleep? what do you do when your thoughts lope about in your brain like a band of wild horses, un-tameable? when everything you're doing now seems to be exactly what you did the day before and will be just what you're doing tomorrow. what do you do when people all start looking the same, personalities mesh together and become unoriginal and you feel like every person you talk to is the same person you were just talking to only with a mask on instead? when you no longer like your favorite pair of shoes, when you have more questions than answers and when you just want to pick a flower so that you can look at something beautiful. perfect. constant. and when even your own name starts to sound wrong to you and the words that come out of your mouth sound like a language you've never spoken before. and the voice inside your head sounds unfamiliar and vindictive but at the same time extremely monotonous?
what do you do when nothing makes sense, even though it does but it really doesn't which makes less sense than it not making sense?
what is it that you do?

never be ashamed of who you are.

so, i'm an aspiring writer.

right?

right.

and i love that about myself. i love the thought that someday i'll be a published author and someone somewhere in the universe will read my books and maybe even like them.

that being said, it may be surprising to know that i also struggle with telling people that i am a writer. i'm not sure why, but i'm always reluctant to discussing it in face to face conversations.

i'm scared of what people will think.

i'm afraid they wont like my ideas.

i'm afraid they will think i'll never achieve my dream.

i'm worried they will look down at me and laugh. "you? a writer? ha!" they'll say. and i, hanging my head in shame, will shuffle off quietly.

these are the thoughts that instantly spring to my mind when someone tries talking to me about my writing.

last night at work i was jotting down an outline for a story idea i had. while i was doing so, a co-worker of mine approached me and began asking questions about what i was doing. i was so reluctant to tell him.

it shouldn't be so hard for me to say "i want to be a writer." out loud.

yes. some people may look at me and think "yeah, right. she'll never write anything that sells." but that's not something that should stop me, right?

if writing is something i truly love and plan on doing, there should be nothing that should make me feel ashamed of that fact.

i realized that last night as the co-worker continued to ask me questions and i stumbled through my answers.

i realized that so what if he doesn't like my ideas. i'm not writing books for his personal enjoyment, am i?

so what if people think i'll never do it.

so what.

so what!

the only person that matters in this situation is me.

and i shouldn't be ashamed of wanting to be anything but what my heart desires.

i shouldn't be scared that i'll fail.

because i know i wont.

with that realization in mind, i'm begging all of you to please, never settle for less than what you deserve.

never be afraid to look someone in the eyes and with all the surety in the world express to them your dreams and aspirations.

and never, ever, EVER be ashamed of who you are.

de-friend, un-follow.

i'm wondering what proper etiquette is for the social networking world i.e. blogger and facebook and twitter. i'm not, nor have i ever been one who is desperate for friends on public websites and in the past i think i may have come off as a little cruel with my social networking habits.
i originally got on to facebook to get away from the trashy myspace world (seriously. does anyone even have myspace anymore?) and to connect with those that i had lost touch with over the years. i started out by adding people that i knew and that i knew i'd want to stay in touch with. from there, i began getting requests and that's where it all got foggy and turned into a popularity contest. people that i knew in high school, but never really spoke to, began adding me and i would always debate with myself whether or not i should accept them as facebook friends. i know, it sounds mean, but my reasoning was i didn't really talk to them in high school (and vice versa) am i going to talk to them now? probably not.
then i devised a system. i'd accept the friend request (only if i knew them. i never accepted a friend request of someone i didn't know) and if we hadn't spoken to each other in the first week that we were friends, i'd de-friend them. that is the system i still work by today. that sounds even more mean, to de-friend someone, but i just don't understand the need to be facebook friends with someone if i'm not or was never friends with them in "real life". its more a privacy issue than a mean girls type of thing. if i'm not going to talk to someone and if they're not going to talk to me, why do they need to know my business? in my opinion, they don't. adding people just to see the number of friends you have increase is pretty shallow and it reminds me too much of what myspace (and high school) was like. in addition to that, every 6 months or so i'll go through my friends list and de-friend people i haven't spoken to in quite some time. is this mean? am i crossing some invisible jerk-border that exists in the facebook world? i'm not sure that i'll change my ways, but i am curious: when is it okay (if ever) to de-friend someone?
with that in mind, lets talk about blogs for a mintue. i'll be the first person to admit that there are a few blogs out there that i started following because it was a give away requirement. but they are few and far between. i mean really few and far between. the other blogs i follow, i actually read their posts and enjoy what i read. if i'm commenting, i'm there because i like what was written. but while going through my blog list tonight, i came across a few blogs that i just don't read anymore. not because they aren't great blogs but just because i don't find myself taking the time to read them anymore. at that point, i wonder if its okay for me to no longer follow them. i mean out of the 90+ [awesome] followers i have, i wonder how many of them actually read my blog. and if those that no longer read my blog stopped following me, how many followers would i really have? (just a curiosity i have. . .)
where followers in the blog/twitter world are kind of a big deal (it shows you aren't just talking to yourself), it seems un-following a blog would be treading on egg shells. but perhaps i'm over thinking it? i know when i loose followers i wonder if i said something offensive or if i change my blog design too much, and then i get over it. so, if it doesn't bother me that much, how much does it bother other bloggers? i mean, you have to wonder what exactly it was that made that person un-follow your blog, right? but in the long run, does it matter? so, when is it okay (again, if ever) to un-follow a blog, or a twitter?

what're your thoughts on the matter?

its a beautiful day in our neighborhood.

here's what we're doing today.

what about you?

{yes. these were taken today. on the 28th of january.}

*sigh*.

i'm stuck between a big decision and a brick wall.
since i'm no good at scaling walls, it looks like i'll be having to face that big decision.

a new opportunity has been presented in my life and it seems like a really good opportunity, one that i've been waiting for, for awhile. but this particular opportunity would require me to compromise a few of the values i have set for myself and i don't know that i'm willing to do that.

i know that, if you want something out of life, you have to make sacrifices. but when it comes to sacrifices, are your values, beliefs, or standards something that should go on the chopping block?

i always thought that things like time and maybe a social life were the types of sacrifices one would be required to make when asking for more out of life. not the compromising of character.

*sigh* i hate big decisions.

of all the huzzah-ness.

i'm excited about life lately, and excited about what's to come. at the beginning of the year i said that 2010 would be my year, and so far it has been. i'm glad too because i couldn't handle another 2009!

so have i filled you in on everything?

i'll take a brief second and do so:

first of all, i'm finally employed. i haven't had a job in over a year and so it feels good to go back to work and be productive. granted at this point i only work 3-4 hours a day and at the most 5 days a week, but its more than nothing which is good. the thing is its not a job i ever would have applied for, but i love it. not something i'd want to do for the rest of my life, but for now its perfect for me.

second, i'm moving from this wretched state that i pretty much loathe (too much snow + too much drama = i'm outta here). but i'm moving because thirdly i'm starting school. i'll be starting as a freshman at a school in utah with a double major in [international] business marketing, and creative writing. normally i wouldn't be so excited about school, but i feel good about what i'm going into and confident that i'll do well, so its going to be fun for me (or else!) 

i know most of that doesn't sound very exciting at all, but its a big change from what is usually going on in my life a.k.a. nothing, so i welcome the changes.

in the mean time, i'm still trying to recover from our most recent move, but one of these days i'll get my usual routine back on track.

how are you doing???  

xoxo,