2/22/11

just a few thoughts from this head of mine.

what do you do when the colors of the world seem duller than they did the day before? when you hate your bangs, your hair is not shiny, your pants size keeps going up and your bank account keeps shrinking. when the only word you can properly understand is "chaos" and you wake up each morning knowing that all your friends live far away. what do you do when you don't feel happy. but you don't feel sad. but you at least want to feel one of these things so that you could feel. what do you do when need trumps want time after time after time and you start wondering whether you are actually a human or just an ant, working day in and day out not for yourself, but for the queen ant who will eat you if you don't do what she says? what do you do when you want to sleep, but you want to read, but you want to eat, but you don't want to eat, or read, or sleep? what do you do when your thoughts lope about in your brain like a band of wild horses, un-tameable? when everything you're doing now seems to be exactly what you did the day before and will be just what you're doing tomorrow. what do you do when people all start looking the same, personalities mesh together and become unoriginal and you feel like every person you talk to is the same person you were just talking to only with a mask on instead? when you no longer like your favorite pair of shoes, when you have more questions than answers and when you just want to pick a flower so that you can look at something beautiful. perfect. constant. and when even your own name starts to sound wrong to you and the words that come out of your mouth sound like a language you've never spoken before. and the voice inside your head sounds unfamiliar and vindictive but at the same time extremely monotonous?
what do you do when nothing makes sense, even though it does but it really doesn't which makes less sense than it not making sense?
what is it that you do?

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3 comments:

Hannah Elizabeth said...

I go for a long drive. Like I went on tonight. And I talk to a boy who will tell me I look pretty in sweats and that I don't need to straighten my hair for my grandma's funeral. And I paint smiley faces on CDs and hang them from my ceiling so I can remember what smiles look like. I sit on my front porch and watch it thunder and lightning because it makes me feel small and big all at the same time and I try to forget that the flowers I had on my dresser are dead now. I keep breathing because even though it's something my body is trained to keep doing, it's sometimes the hardest thing.

Sorry things are rough right now friend :-( But chin up. We'll all get better soon.

Alecia said...

haha you are a normal girl. days like this happen. and they suck. i hate them. i feel restless but tired at the same time. bored but overwhelmed. happy AND sad. days like this when nothing sounds good, nothing sounds fun, and nothing seems worth it, these are the days you just have to tell yourself will pass. because tomorrow is ALWAYS better. at least it is for me..usually. days like this, for me are usually accompanied by a big nice meltdown. once that is out of the way, i can start to piece myself together. good luck and know you are not alone!

erica marie said...

It sucks that everything feels all upside down...I know what you mean about doing the same thing yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That's the way I feel about my job. I hate it but I know I won't be there forever and actually plan on leaving soon. You have to change your situation to make yourself happy. Hope things start looking up.