now i'm staring 26 right in the face and its scary. what's going to happen to me in the next five years? the same old stuff that's been happening to me the last five years? or things i only dreamed of happening? grasping reality at this point seems almost impossible.
i know i'm not making much sense, and that's okay. its just weird when you sit and take a look at your life and you realize you've done basically jack squat. i've not graduated from college or made a lot of money or gotten married or had children. i haven't done much traveling or joined the peace core. i weigh more than i used to and i get depressed more often then not. so what have i done in the last 26 years?
...good question. it took some thinking and here's what i've come up with:
i've learned that capturing a picture that makes me smile every time i look at it is enough to make me want to never put my camera down. i'm not half bad at photographing people/things and that is something beautiful.
i've mended relationships with family members that i felt might be beyond repair. not too long ago, my sister and i were not very close but once i realized how horrible our relationship was we've been able to move past that and become friends. i like having her around and i miss her on days when our schedules are too hectic for our paths to cross.
i've come to realize that laughter is the best medicine. even if i don't know what i'm laughing at just the actual act of laughing alone can help keep me sane and human-feeling. i've also learned that crying is a better release than almost anything. sometimes just letting the tears fall are enough to keep me going.
i've learned that its okay to be sad. yes, it hurts and its tiring and sometimes there's a certain level of sad that i can't even understand, but its okay. everyone hurts in their own ways but with hurt comes growth.
i've realized that if you look for the ugly things in a person you will most definitely find them. but if you look for something beautiful in someone, the ugly things become less noticeable and you can learn to truly love. with that i've learned that everyone has a certain beauty inside of them. there is something about every single person in the world that makes them beautiful.
i've learned that its hard to be an individual. especially when your ideas and standards don't match what those around you believe. its hard realizing what you like and why you like it when the opinions of others are bearing down on you. but i've also learned that if you stick to what you believe in no matter what you might not always be the most popular but you will feel the best about yourself.
i've learned that if all i can manage is one day at a time, at least i can manage that.
i've realized that reading and writing are my two true passions in life. not much else can compare to what i feel when i'm doing either of these things. there is just something about creating my own story and reading what others have created that satisfies me.
and lastly, i've realized i just want to love and be loved. it is so hard to hate and grudge and judge. and it is so hard to be hated and grudged and judged. why not love instead?
so. i may not have had 3 beautiful children by now, or received a diploma. i may not have seen the pyramids in egypt or completed a humanitarian house in a third-world-country. but i did learn things about life. things i feel to be detrimental to myself and to the future me. and i guess, for now, that's plenty.
p.s. it would seem i'm off on years. not sure how that happened, but here they all are: